Ministry of Sanity’s Warning:
Not meant to be taken with anything but a large can of salt. Do not attempt to read while on medication or
during meals. Author cannot be responsible
for any puking and/or choking and/or damage to keyboard that may result as a result
of carrying out the aforesaid.
Warning to serious Hellsing fans:
This is a parody, i.e. no one and I mean NO ONE is in character ^___^
The VERY VERY Secret Dairy of Alucard
~ A parody by Kit ~
Despite herself, Integra Hellsing could not help but smile
as she walked along the corridors leading to the dungeons. How long had it been since she was that
little girl whose favourite pastime was the exploration of the maze of a
ventilation system within Hellsing manor?
She could hardly suppress her grin as she recalled how
Walter used to be puzzled by the rips and stains in her clothes, a result of
hours of crawling within the vents.
“I doubt
I’ll fit you anymore,” she said as she bent down and patted the grates of a rather
large shaft affectionately. It took her
a moment but she soon recognised this particular shaft to be one of her
favourite entrances into the ventilation system. “Look at
yourself Miss Hellsing, you’re talking to an inanimate object as if it was alive;
and you call Alucard mad.”
Integra had been indulging in a cup of Earl Grey earlier
in the afternoon when Walter had announced that the cleaners would be doing an
overhaul of the ventilation system the next day. A great feeling of nostalgia came upon her and she had,
uncharacteristically decided that an inspection of the ventilation before the
cleaners came was in order. Wondering
if he had heard his mistress correct, i.e. that she would be putting aside work
for a matter usually reserved for the servants, Walter had repeated her
decision twice before rushing off the rest of the tea for testing at Dr
Trevor’s laboratory. Years of
experience had taught him that if it was one thing Hellsings did not do, it was
to actually take the afternoon off.
“I’ve seen
the place, I’m happy. I guess there’s
nothing more to do here,” Integra said as she got up to go. “I should go to the gun gallery and practice shooting
something or,” she continued with an evil grin, “somebody.” She could have missed it, in which case this
story would have ended, but as luck would have it, our favorite Lord Hellsing
caught sight of something that looked like paper, peering out between the
grates of the shaft.
“Huh? What’s this ...” she remarked. Prodding the grate lightly, she was pleased
to find that despite some rust around the hinges, the grate could still be
opened to allow her to retrieve the “mysterious” stack of papers.
“What’s
this? A journal?” Integra wondered as
she idly flipped the pages of the journal. The book was rather old and written in a language she did not
understand.
“Hmm, all
I can make out is the scribbling on the cover that says ‘Property of Alucard
V.T. – Do Not Read’.” Looking at the
book curiously, she said aloud, “I wish I could read what the dolt is writing.”
All of a sudden, against the rules of logics, physics and
all good sense, what appeared to be a strange insect came whizzing through the
air at impossible speed, down the corridors of the dungeons and with a loud
buzz, flew right smack into our dear Lord Hellsing’s ear.
“OUCH!”
Integra screamed as she immediately shook her head violently in a bid to force
out the offending insect. Various choice words, not suitable for public
consumption were heard in the dungeons.
“That was
gross,” Integra grumbled when she realised that she could not get the insect
out of her ear. Mentally, she made
notes to deal with the culprit as and when Integra got her hands on her.
Unknown to Integra, the insect was really a magical flying
fish courtesy of her very own fairy godmother. The ‘kindly’ (or not so kindly on some days) old lady had conjured
up the handy little spell allow Integra to understand the contents of the diary
as Integra had wished. Yes, our dear
Lord Hellsing did have a fairy godmother, although in light of recent events,
including but not limited to the manner in which Integra had been suffering at
the hands of fanfic authors (in particular that of a certain Kit), one did
wonder if Integra’s fairy godmother was actually an evil witch or in cahoots
with and/or on the payroll of mad fanfic writers instead ...
Anyhow we digress, we should get back to our story in
which Integra was surprised to find that she was now able to read the
previously intelligible words in the diary.
“Oh my
gosh,” she remarked. “This is indeed Alucard’s diary. I can’t believe he actually has one of
these.”
The richness of the situation and potential for blackmail
of her pet vampire was most amusing to our Lord Hellsing. While it was in fact hard to imagine our
resident vampire keeping a journal, for all intents and purposes, it would
appear that most incriminating evidence against him had fallen into the hands
of his master Integra.
“Perhaps,”
thought Integra, “My fairy godmother is not so bad an old lady after all.”
The hours flew by and Integra had made herself very
comfortable reading the journal. The
stories of Alucard’s childhood was interesting but his adulthood entries were
generally repetitive:
“Skew,
impale, impale. Impaled [insert number]
of people today. Go me.”
“Boring
... boring,” said Integra as she read through that portion of the entries
quickly. “Wait ... oh, this entry looks interesting,” said Integra
as she finally came across a page written in red, in bold and in way too large
font.
-----------------------------------
31 March
Had a rather bad day due to an unpleasant incident that
occurred yesterday. The Sultan had sent
new emissaries to us. The morons had
laughed at our turban and moustache. Busy thinking about what to have for dinner; told emissaries to go
shove it. On a side note, their style
was so passe; they really should get a fashion consultant to deal with their
dress sense before trying to comment on ours.
Most unfortunate for the two that my guards had mistook
our comments as instructions to shove the emissaries’ turbans down their heads.
Awful results. Had our royal toolbox’s best nails used up
and had to endure whiny old Sultan bitch about angle at which guards had nailed
the turbans to his emissaries’ heads.
We suspect he is very sore about incident as he was about
to order a change of uniforms when this happened. Reckons he cannot have 2 emissaries in olden garb while he parades
the rest of the others in little bikinis. We really see two problems with that. First, fat old guys in bikinis is not exactly what we or most
normal people want to see. Secondly, we
can bet you the turban makers in the region will not be happy with his edict. Foresee strikes and protest marches soon.
Economic forecast not good. Reminder to royal self to sell stock options in Turbans R Us as
soon as market opens for trading today.
Am now wondering if smearing of super glue on Sultan’s
birthday turban before sending it to him was a good idea.
-----------------------------------
1 April
Sultan has declared war. Whoops.
-----------------------------------
2 April
Woke up with a strange woman in our face. Very concerned with 2 bite marks on our neck.
Stupid mosquitoes, stupid castle interior designer.
-----------------------------------
7 April
Initially thought marks of neck were caused by the plague
of mosquitoes in the castle but it appears that we have been bitten by
something that our doctor has identified as ‘vampire’.
Apologies to royal interior designer impaled in the
backyard.
-----------------------------------
8 April
It would appear that vampires are undead creatures with a
taste for human blood.
Dear doctor found out the hard way, bless his soul. We would have told him that his blood was way
to salty and he should cut down on his sausage intake but do not think it would
have made much difference.
-----------------------------------
11 April
Was woken up by vampire last nite. Threw wife’s garlic juice at her thinking she
was silly chamber maid ... bad move as we should have first asked her to reimburse
us for all that cream we had to use to reduce swelling.
Seems we are what they call a No Life King now. Do not care as am way too amused playing with
new way-cool fangs.
Have strange urge to go buy lots of red coats. Note to self that vampires do not seem to
like garlic. Am not surprised, damn
vegetable gives you bad breath.
-----------------------------------
“What the hell,” wondered Integra as she flipped on
a little further. Had Alucard written
all these while on crack? Turning to
the middle of the journal, this was what met her eyes:
-----------------------------------
12
December
Captured by Abraham van Helsing and gang. Couldn’t resist bloody steak propped up in
front of big cage.
Damn. They seem to
think we want to steal the woman called Mina and do eechi things to her. Rubbish, we just wanted a housekeeper. Good domestic help is hard to find in
Romania. Cook tends to burn steak
badly.
-----------------------------------
21
December
Have been forced to move to London with Helsing.
Not happy. Damp
London air not good for skin. I (no
longer royal plural *sulk*) want a chewy toy for Christmas.
-----------------------------------
Integra bit her tongue to stop herself from laughing out
aloud before flipping the pages some more.
-----------------------------------
3
February
World War II has ended. Boring. I hardly got to
chance to kill enough people and vampires. Stupid short man with moustache couldn’t do it properly. Despots just aren’t what they used to be.
-----------------------------------
“The vamp
is sick,” Integra thought aloud as she continued reading:
-----------------------------------
August 3
Have been locked up by Arthur the old fleabag. Stupid git was upset about me stealing the
limelight at his last costume party. Have trumped up stupid excuse that I am uncontrollable and insane.
What’s he complaining about? It’s not like I’ve been acting insane only since yesterday. He is just jealous of the fact I look better
in the tiger’s costume than he did.
Pointy fangs are great accessories for any costume.
-----------------------------------
August 4
Boring. Dungeon
needs new interior decorations.
Good news is that I don’t have to hear Arthur whine
anymore. The bad news is that the
dungeon air is way too dry for my hair. Cannot bear to see lovely locks suffer from lack of conditioner. Will thus hibernate until they invent the
“leave on conditioner” or until my hairdresser’s list of appointments clears
up.
-----------------------------------
September
8
(Here Integra recognised the entry to have been made on the day she had
discovered Alucard in the dungeons)
Got vibes Arthur died 3 days ago. Am rather sad because salty blood went well
with beer and soccer. However, must say
I would have never expected him to have such a jailbait daughter. Got a cuddle and a grope while she was
crying.
Whoo hoo, go me!
Diary’s pages getting damp. Must complaint about room service around here.
-----------------------------------
September
9
Was about to go suggest to new master that we take a bath.
Very important to cultivate trust and
good relations. Thwarted by the
interference of Walter who had arrived back from mission in Scotland.
Rats, there goes my chance to have a strawberry bubble
bath. Will put all those old photos of
Walter and Arthur on the net as revenge.
-----------------------------------
September
10
Whoops, those were photos of Anzo and Arthur. Have received threatening legal letters to
“cease and desist” from Anzo’s lawyers.
Boring old geezer with no sense of fun. Wonder where I can find more photos.
-----------------------------------
It took all of Integra’s self-control to resist the urge
to scream and tear up the journal as she continued flipping onto the next few
pages.
“Jail-bait?
Who’s jail-bait,” she fumed. “Bloody old pervert,” she cursed as she plotted vengeance
silently.
-----------------------------------
February
12
Have had fun the last few months keeping an eye on master.
She gets a little jittery every 3 days
in a month but am pretty amused by her so far.
-----------------------------------
February
13
Have found mirrors extremely useful for checking on
Integra’s “safety”.
Note to self: Do not check on master immediately after
meals. Sight of dinner flowing out of
nostrils not acceptable behaviour for vampires of my age.
Note to self 2: Me thinks master has grown. *
-----------------------------------
February
14
Do not believe it. Was about to ask master on inspection of bars at Coventry – we
have to make sure there are no vampires there – when real vampires sighted at
Trafalgar.
Will tear bloody idiots. Ruined plans for tonight. Will have to keep that /thing/ for next occasion.
-----------------------------------
February
15
Have not had chance to use tennis ball stolen from
neighbour’s garden yet. Miss the good
game of catch Adam used to play with me.
Integra was complaining about neighbours being unhappy
about me digging up their gardens. Strange.
Do not remember aforesaid neighbours
saying anything when I was actually doing it but they could have passed out –
do not remember and do not care.
Must ask master to buy anti-flea powder, appear to have
caught something while digging up thingees at Buckingham.
-----------------------------------
February
16
Integra has found out about the mirrors and has had every
one in her room removed. Damn.
Time to use plan B.
-----------------------------------
February
17
Cannot peek into room anymore, stupid holy water bottles. Is there a plan C?
-----------------------------------
February 18
Someone has forgotten to put her holy water in the bathroom
...
-----------------------------------
March 2
Am diligently polishing floors in manor, have not realised
before how useful shiny floors are. Also
never knew Integra had a thing for pink lace.
-----------------------------------
March 15
Alright, which smart guy went to make her pants?
-----------------------------------
Integra gritted her teeth as she continued reading. To the casual observer, it looked as if Sir Integra
was about to blow the roof. Those who truly
knew her would have, on sighting her in such a mood, taken cover in the nearest
bomb shelter.
-----------------------------------
August 3
Have finally done it ... have bitten master. She is a vampire ...
GO ME!!!
-----------------------------------
August 4
Effect of Bloody Mary have worn off. Have realised that have bitten some strange blonde
girl I had mistaken for Integra. Should
have realised it wasn’t master from the whine.
I think I’m in trouble. Drat the fact vampires have sensitive hearing. Cannot remember her name. Will just call her policewoman as she is always
wearing a police uniform.
On the other hand, I can see hentai possibilities here until
I can convince Integra ...
-----------------------------------
It was at this point that Lord Hellsing decided that a certain
phone call was in order, whipping out her cell phone she began punching a few numbers.
“Hello, Acme productions? Yes, it is Integra Hellsing. Yes, about my orders for vampire missiles. No, of course I still want it. In fact, I would like to double the order. Thank you.”
And then, an absolutely evil smile crossed her face ...
~ TO BE CONTINUED?
- Inspired by Hellsing, “The Very Secret Dairies of [insert
name of person from LOR]” and beloved SF-sama *passes around coffee* and the general
madness that you find at Sembawang Canal (it’s amazing how I get bad fanfic inspiration
every time I go there)
* Line stolen from Croaky’s “Rats” at http://www.fanfiction.net/
read.php?storyid=1114093
NOTE: Author is a hopeless AXI but recognises that in the realm
of anime, the girl with the shorter skirt always wins the hero ~__~;;