Warning:
This is pure rubbish. Characters are totally OOC and I mean totally. The reason
is simple, there was no storyline, I just wanted to write the line "This
was probably also not a good time to tell Walter that she would have to swear off
garlic for the next hundred years". Other than that and a perverse need
for a reason to mess Integra's bedsheets, the relevant smut writer was not
interested in plot, canon or logic. Read at your own risk.
Not
proof read, mistakes abound. Inform me if you find any. I am almost expecting
to be killed by fans for this one but YES, the second WORST Hellsing fic on the
net is mine too. Third worst Hellsing fic anyone?
RATED
NC-999 FOR BAD HUMOUR, BAD WRITING and messy fangurl death
----------------------------------------------------------
~ LONDONDERRY LUST ~
(Otherwise titled as "How not to Write Integra or Integra x
Alucard" or "How Bad Fanfiction Kills")
Integra Hellsing sighed softly. Throwing a glance at the
vampire lying beside her, she wondered how she was going to explain what had
just happened to Walter.
"How about you couldn't hold back anymore and let
Alucard seduce you?" prompted an annoying voice in her head. She shook her
head trying to clear it. "No good darling, for once this ain't a dream;
it's real," replied the voice sarcastically.
Integra groaned. She was not as distressed by the whole
affair (in fact the truth be told, she found it perversely amusing) as how she
was going to account for her departure from good sense to her steward. Looking
at the alarm clock by her bed, Integra realized that Walter would probably be
back in the manor in about 4 hours or so. Integra imagined the scandalized look
that he would soon be having on his face at breakfast and grimaced. This, she
decided, was probably not a good time to tell Walter (when he got back) that
she would have to swear off garlic for the next hundred years.
Just then, she heard a suspicious sound under her bed,
"tippy tap tap tap tap ..."
---------
FOUR HOURS AGO ...
Integra sulked miserably by the fireplace.
It was times like this she hated being a Hellsing. Despite
her outward steely facade, she felt hardly more grown up since she had been the
silly girl of 13 that had dashed into Alucard's chambers a decade ago seeking
refuge. Burdened with responsibilities most grown men would have buckled under,
she had been forced to put on a brave front for the last 10 years although if
the truth be told, she felt hardly brave at all.
And then there was that unbearable isolation from society.
At 18, while other girls her age painted their nails and gossiped about boys,
she was shooting ghouls, careful not to let their claws near her. Outwardly,
Integra appeared to have everything a girl could desire: wealth, status and
power. Inwardly, she was tired, stressed and all so much alone. While other
girls played with their poodles, she had to restrain her mad 6-eyed dog from
bloody rampages. She doubted any of her peers would understand her present
situation even if any of them found out about what her work truly entailed.
Sometimes though, she wished someone would.
The loneliness was usually bearable until this time of the
year: that's why she disliked winter with a vengeance (well summer as well but
that is, as they say, another story). Since her father's passing more than a
decade ago, she had spent Christmas alone. Despite Walter's fussing, she had
insisted he spend Christmas with his relatives. Christmas is for family and you
hardly see them, she had declared before shoving the train ticket into his
hands.
And for her false bravo, here she was now, alone,
miserable and extremely bored. Perversely, with the snow keeping most people in
the malls or at home and off the streets, the vampire count was down to an
all-time low. While that in itself was a good thing, the lack of work had left
her most disoriented. She was secretly thankful Walter would be back in 8
hours. Most of the Hellsing personnel had already gone home for Christmas. Not
counting Pip (who insisted he would only leave nearer Christmas), she was the
only living being in the manor. She had fought hard to prevent herself from
begging Walter to stay for Christmas at hearing his voice an hour ago. Walter
had called to say that he would be back for half a day, having left one of his
nephews' presents behind (to which he humorously attributed to the
forgetfulness that comes with old age). Whether it was deliberate or
accidental, Integra was grateful.
Idleness is never a good thing, especially where Integra
was concerned. For one, work was a good distraction from the idle and
preposterous fancies of certain kinky things she could do involving a vampire,
blindfolds, a serious lack of clothing and a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs she
had in her pant's pockets (usually stashed away in her headboard, for reasons
unknown to even herself, she had taken them out to fiddle with). Reports, in
Integra's opinion, were usually sufficient to preoccupy her mind until she was
too exhausted to do anything other than to flop onto bed into a dreamless
slumber. However, as much as she loathed to admitting it, her thoughts of late
had been plagued by the most horrible temptation to actually realize her morbid
fantasies. Ironically, the harder she fought to suppress it, the more it
whittled away at her determination to keep her relationship with Alucard
strictly professional. The knowledge a relationship with a vampire would
inevitably lead to a drastic change of lifestyle used to help, but even the
voice of reason was not holding up well any more.
"There must be something to distract myself
with," thought Integra, scanning her room desperately. It was then her
eyes fell idly on a pretty little envelope on her desk. With a reaction more
akin to discovering a poison viper on one's table, Integra approached the envelope
slowly and suspiciously, with the most overwhelming sense of dread.
----------
Alucard brooded in his chambers, sulking as a voice in the
room next to him giggled happily. He had never considered himself repressed or
deprived but if Pip was going to make Seras scream "MORE!" or giggle
in that manner one more time, he was going to stomp over and gag the both of
them. It was really amazing really that Seras had been still a suitable
candidate for vampirism when he had first found her at the clutches of that
dratted vampire at Cheddar*.
Following the massacre by the Valentine brothers, Integra
had been forced to recruit mercenaries to make up for the slain men. Initially
disbelieving of their terms of engagement, namely the hunting and killing of
vampires, Alucard's little visit to the troops more than suitably convinced
them of the seriousness of their work. For better or for worse, Britannica
Cowboys were now part of the Hellsing organization, as that silly dandy Pip
Bernadotte.
Alucard fumed. Seras was young but it was infuriating how
she persisted in her human decadence, especially when she had declared that Pip
was /just/ her friend. Humans were not their friends. They were food and
nothing more. Pip was a fool (although deep down, Alucard found it hard to deny
a grudging respect for the mercenary's battle skill - the man had adapted
quickly to the habits and weakness of the undead; with adequate practice, he
could possibly turn out to be the Hellsing's next Shinigami**) so perhaps they
deserved each other, thought Alucard sourly.
A voice cackled in his head, "Sore about the
son-in-law I see."
"Shut up," snarled Alucard to no one in
particular. The voices in Seras' chambers got louder. Alucard twitched
uncomfortably.
"MORE! PIP ... MORE!"
"That's it," grumbled Alucard. Swiftly
appariting out his chambers, he decided that he would have a word with Lord
Hellsing about the falling moralities of the troops. "Or then again, maybe
you hope to contribute to it," a voice snickered in his head.
Alucard swore that he would stop his awful habit of
downing a Bloody Mary for dinner (in his case it was more like breakfast).
Hearing voices was never a good sign, even for vampires.
Meanwhile, Pip continued his massage of Seras' sore back,
blissfully unaware of the misunderstanding that had just taken place next door
and the "serious" consequences of putting ideas in a 500 year old
vampire's head.
---------
Walking effortlessly into Integra's office, Alucard was
about to launch into his tirade about the poor sound-proofing in his room when
he realized that Integra was not even aware of his presence. Slumped in her
chair, nursing a glass filled with brandy, Integra clearly had other matters on
her mind, namely being so sloshed she couldn't use it. Discarded carelessly on
the floor was a white card whose envelope lay crumpled nearby.
"It's not fair. How come even she gets to get married
and have fun while I'm stuck here? Her husband to be looks like a dog but
that's more than I'll ever get. At this rate, I'll be lucky to meet a decent
eligible chap with a heartbeat for once," Integra wailed miserably,
reeking strongly of liquor.
"I need another drink!" she muttered loudly. As
she reached for the bottle on her desk, she finally noticed the vampire
standing in front of her.
"Ah you're here. I was wondering where you were. Join
me?" she asked, gesturing to an extra glass in a nearby cabinet.
"I thought you weren't fond of brandy?"
"No, but I needed a stiff drink and for some reason
the wine ran out quite too quickly. Want some?"
"Lord Hellsing, are you quite yourself?" asked
Alucard as he looked curiously at the seriously sloshed by now Integra.
"Yes, it's me old cranky Integra with the biological
clock going 'tick tock tick tock'. The hell, I want some action and I want it
now! I'm almost 24 and with the help of sufficient alcohol, my ovaries have
overruled my brain, so I've decided," she slurred happily. "How about
you? In the mood for some action tonight big boy?"
"Are you suggesting what I'm thinking?" he asked
slightly quizzed though rather pleased with the turn of events. Counting the
empty bottles on her desk, Integra had gone through 2 bottles of wine, half a
bottle of sherry and was now on her way to adding one empty brandy bottle to
the collection.
"Definitely. To hell with being prudish and all ...
Alucard, why don't you and me make whoopy tonight?" she managed before
collapsing into his arms with a tipsy grin on her face, dangling before him the
pair of pink fluffy handcuffs she had fished from her pockets.
For a full minute Alucard just stood there grinning: there
was no doubt about it; the Lord Hellsing in his arms was very drunk. Chances
like this did not come about everyday. There was however just one thing he had
to do first.
But damn, his master was sure quick with his buttons.
-----------------
And to avoid an X rating and revoking of the
author's Fanfiction.net membership, this portion of the fic was censored.
Suffice to say, sparks flew between our favorite couple that night. Imagine the
worst thing you can ^__^
------------------
Alucard grinned rakishly at his new protege as he ran his
fingers eagerly through her blonde locks. He ran a finger playfully along the
curve of her spine, enjoying the look of delight on her face. "Leave the
squirt and come back to bed," he beckoned seductively, raising the covers
invitingly.
Integra looked wistfully back at him. On one hand,
patience was never Alucard's strong point nor her's. On the other hand, the
business at hand was urgent and she would not be happy until she had
accomplished her objective immediately - notwithstanding the fact she was now
immortal and accordingly had all the time in the world to do as she pleased.
Her indecision lasted but a split second. Taking out a gun
hidden under her mattress, she aimed it menacingly at the forehead of the
intruder (one fangurl writer wannabe who had been discovered hiding under her
bed and writing Alugra smut there the whole night) sniveling at her feet.
"How did you find me?" wailed the fangurl.
"Oh well, it was not too difficult. Let's see, the
sound of tapping on a keyboard and insane giggling. I would say that it was a
dead giveaway."
The hideous creature mumbled pitifully. Integra had been
however warned to the pathetic ruses employed by such creatures to invoke sympathy.
"Die you mad vermin, along with your evil works" she snarled before
pulling the trigger.
With an ignominious splat, the fangurl died, writhing
among the mothballs.
"Are you done yet? I'm getting cold," called
Alucard teasingly.
"Coming," replied Integra coyly casting one last
look at the mangled corpse on the floor. "Even in death, she had to
irritate me by bleeding messily all over my carpet floor. Why can she just
disappear into nothingness like most villains?"
"At least she didn't stain the sheets. Oh well,"
replied Alucard thoughtfully before grinning playfully at her, pulling her
under the covers, "you'll need a special gun for that. I know a certain
blonde priest traveling with 3 weirdos and a dragon who may be able to help
us.***"
And the rest as they say, was pure animal behavior.
NOTES ~
~ this piece of smut was meant as a joke, please don't
kill me (runs off to avoid Sir Integra's revenge). Cannot write good romance or
proper smut to save my life. If someone wants to fill in the censored parts,
please feel free to do so. The chains and whips are hidden behind the
headboard. One can only imagine /how/ often they are used and oh, don't forget
the blindfold hidden in the bathroom.
According to the manga, only non-virgin victims of
vampires become ghouls unless the vampire in question was a freak vampire.
Accordingly, Integra was initially stumped as to why even virgins victims were
turning up as the brainless undead. That was until she discovered the freak
chip in the attacking vampires. No prizes as to what Alucard considered
necessary before embarking his master's orders properly. I know some of you
think this is pure crap. All I can say is, I warned you.
** God of Death, the title presently held by Walter
*** A clue, the three weirdoes are called Goku, Hakkai and
Gojyo
--- Dedicated to the woman I had magaritas with and to the
woman who can't deny she is intrigued by violent chain-smoking blondes even if
they'll probably kill me for this. Also dedicated to my imoto-chan in Canada,
the one with the pinky furry handcuffs ---